Remembering Grams

This time of year is always hard for me. It was 5 years ago that Grams passed away. It was tonight 5 years ago that my husband and I made the long trip from Wichita, Kansas (after college classes) down to Mangum, Oklahoma. It was a long trip, and it was late into the night before we got there. We had a dog and I remember having a pumpkin hat for him to wear. Grams liked Sammy. She didn't like many dogs, but she didn't mind him. I think it is because he's really low strung, and he really just eats and sleeps. I remember going into the lobby to check in, and the guy working was dressed as the Inn Keeper from the Bible.

I had been with Grams and Papa a lot in her end days. I was with her before she even knew she had cancer. Her and Papa had moved up to Wichita into an Independent Living home. I would go over and take Grams to the store, to doctor's appointments, and many other things. We had just bought a new car, and I remember her telling me that next time she got a new car she wanted one with one of those "remote things." We talked about life and silly things on our trips. I remember when I told everyone my husband had sworn into the Army. Grams was there and said, "I think it was a good choice for you two, but I wish we all could have talked about it more." I know she didn't want us to talk about it because she wanted him not to do it, but just because that is how our family was.

She had surgery about one month before she passed. They found the tumor, and they closed her back up. They asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she had lived long enough. She said if this is how it was to end, then this was it. She did say it was a surprise because she always thought she would die because of her medicine she was on. She was on so many, she thought that some day she would get two that would react, and that is what would do it. We all hated her choice to just let it be, but how can you argue with Grams?! Once she made up her mind, that was it. Really there was nothing that would have helped, and I know she made the right choice. I am just selfish and wish she were still around.

Over the next month, we all spent time with her. There were up days and down days. She could no longer stay at their apartment, so she and Papa moved to Mom and Dad's house. She was put on Hospice, and the nurses started to come. She was put on pain meds (the cancer she had was very painful), and she always seemed up beat. There was the one big weekend. All of us grandkids were to come to town. It was our time to say our "goodbyes." Everyone drove in, and we all stayed in the living room or at her bedside. By this time, Grams and I had a routine. She would have me help her to the bathroom (she had a med cath and it made it hard to dress, undress, and do normal things), get ready for bed, and many other tasks. It is these memories that are the most vivid to me. I don't know if that is because they are the last I have of her, or if it is because they are the ones that mean the most to me. I remember one night before bed she put her cold cream on, her carmex, and got into bed. At that time she motioned for me to come closer, and yet closer again. When I got real close to her face, she rubbed her nose with cold cream all over it on my face. We laughed about this a lot over that month.

When we (the grandkids) were there, she would tell us stories about her when she was little. She talked about her first husband, and their life together. There were a few times we wondered if she would pass while everyone was there. She seemed to be looking somewhere far away. She seemed to see her loved ones around her. She would talk to them and tell them she was coming. We would all cry, and then it seems as quickly as that would happen, she'd be back with us. She would tell stories about when we all were little, and she'd tell everyone how much she loved them. I remember when heading to bed after us all being in there, she grabbed me and hugged me tight. Our conversation at that point went like this...

Grams: Emily? Emily? Where are you?
Me: I'm right here Grams. I'm hugging you now?
Grams: Where are you?
Me: I'm here with you now. Do you feel my hugging you?
Grams: Emily, I'm glad you are here. I'm worried about you.
Me: I'm just fine.
Grams: No, Emily, I'm worried about you.

It wasn't until later that I wondered why she was so worried about me. Was it my husband's upcoming enlistment in the Army? Was it that she found out that I was raped, and she was worried about what would come of my life? Was she worried because I wasn't strong enough to deal with what was to come? Why was she so worried about me? I guess I will never know, but she loved me so much to tell me that she was worried about me.

After everyone left and went home, we were back to "normal." It was just Mom, Dad, my husband, and I around. Grams and I would take naps on the bed together. I'd often wake and wonder if she were still there with me or had she gone on. Each time, she was there beside me sleeping away. She was in a lot of pain at this time. So much so that the meds were not working at all. We had the clergy person from Hospice come in to visit with her. Grams said that this person could share what was talked about with us. During their visit Grams told the clergy person that she was scared. She was scared that in the way she was dying she was not letting God come through. She was scared that we, her family, couldn't see God in her dying. What an amazing thing to be worried about. She wasn't scared of leaving us behind, she was scared that she wasn't showing the grace and love of God. That night she pulled out her med cath and was no longer in pain. We feel the pain was all spiritual and not physical. God took a painful cancer and kept her pain free. It just goes to show that God does take care of us ALWAYS.

She passed away about a week later. I wasn't there when she passed. I have to say how thankful I am to have had that time with her. How many people actually get time like that? I was really bitter for awhile because she told everyone (but me) a formal goodbye. I heard from one of the nurses that she was telling my cousins how much she loved them and that they should always be true to themselves. Why hadn't she told me these thing? Why wasn't I good enough to get a goodbye? Then a few months later I realized, she had done these things with me. She just didn't have to say them in the way she had with the other kids. She and I said goodbye over that month. We spent the month making memories that would last me forever. I realized that I got the best end of the deal. I was able to spend the time with her and to do things with her that no one else got.

It was a few weeks after my husband left for OSUT and to start his time with the Army that I got a really great surprise. I was in bed, and it was one of those mornings. I was in bed, and I was at that blissful state where you aren't awake, but you really aren't asleep. I was taking everything in and just enjoying the quiet. All of a sudden I was not in my room but in a field. There were flowers all around. I could feel the sun on my skin. It was the most wonderful place I have ever been. All of a sudden, there was Grams. She gave me a big hug. We walked around just took in what was around us. Finally she looked at me, hugged me again, and said, "I just want you to know that I am very proud of you. You are doing a good job."

Just like it had begun, it was over. I was awake, and I was in tears. This is all I wanted to hear from her. I just wanted to know that I had been living my life in a manor to make her proud of me. I hope she is looking down on me now, and she is proud of the way I am being a mom, a wife, a daughter, and a sister. I think of her often these days. I know it is because of where we live. We live about an hour from where her and Papa use to live. I keep thinking if she were only here... I know she is much better off where she is, but I can't get over being selfish sometimes and wish she were here with me. Someday we will all be together again, and what a day that will be. Grams taught me so much over the years. She taught me that family is very important. She taught me that we need to take care of each other. She taught me that we don't have to always like each other, but by golly, we have to love each other. And in her dying she taught me about God. Thinking back on her dying, I realized if you didn't believe in God, how could you not after watching her? She was in no pain. She seemed to be longing for something away from us. I honestly believe that she went to be with God on the day she died. I honestly know that God does exist, and he is waiting for me to be with him when my time comes.

Grams' favorite Hymn was "Grace that Is Greater than All Our Sins." Here is a bit of the song...

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.