Saturday, June 27, 2009

Thank you and Goodnight

So the last few days have been better. I don't know if it was just getting it all out there that helped, or the many people I know that were praying for me. I'm sure it was more the second, but I think it helped to just spill it all out.

I noticed since Wednesday, that I haven't been as short with everyone. I seem to have a bit more patience. Maybe the kids sensed I needed to have things clam down. Have you ever noticed that about kids? It seems (with mine anyway) when push comes to shove, if I really need them to be good, they are. I remember being home alone (husband was at school) and being really sick. It seems like they understood, and they were really great those days. It seems to have happened again. They really have stayed calm. Samuel did throw a couple of fits, but a few moments alone in his crib did the trick.

So for the rest of my week I spent time trying to stay calm. Sounds silly, but after the first couple of days of the week, I really needed it. I took time to finish my book, keep things cleaned up, and even put my feet up to watch TV when Samuel was napping. To help for the next week, I scheduled a couple of days for Samuel to go to the CDC while Genevieve is in school. I will make sure to get EVERYTHING I need to done before I take them so I can go do whatever I want :) I think I'm going to head over to the PX and just walk around without the kids. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.

I need to spend some time getting our final preparations made for the family's vacation. We are staying at a military resort down south. I need to make sure I get our day trips reserved, and I need to get a rental car set up. We have enough room for just about everyone. We are short spaces for two people. Well really just one, but it wouldn't be comfortable with that seating. So, we will get a small car to go with us. That way we know we have room for everyone's stuff, and space for everyone to sit comfortably. This will be our first vacation since we've been married. We have never spent time like this. It will be a nice change to the normal things we do when taking leave. Usually when in the states, we'd go visit family. Since we don't have the money to visit family, and it isn't a day drive there, we can be free to do other things.

Tonight is filled with updating things online and a movie. Seeing that it is 10 pm now, I better get on them. Funny how things seem to get more busy right when I want to relax.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Harsh Reality

So I don't always like to put it all out there on here. I know that anyone can read it, and I worry what others will think of me. I have a hard time being okay with myself alone. I care too much about what others think of me. On those questionnaires where they ask if you care what others think of you, I usually reply with "too much." I shouldn't care, but I do. It is that struggle to fit in and be apart of a group that drives me. Going back to the first of the year and being honest, this is just one of those times. I am writing this in tears because of what is going on in my life at this time.

As most of you know, I struggle with major headache issues. I had a CT Scan done, and it came back clear. I have was then put on some medicine to help with the headaches and sleeping at night. The medicine the doctor gave me are an antidepressant. I am not depressed nor do I think I need to be on medicine for mood issues. It was explained to me by him, the pharmacists, and my mother (who is a nurse) that this specific medicine is also used to treat pain. I have been on antidepressants before, and it was bad. I was a raging lunatic when I was on them. I am sure that I burned some bridges, and I regret how I treated some of the people in my life while on them. I weaned myself off them at that point in time, and vowed never to take them again. However, with what is going on with my head, I made the choice to give in and take them.

I have been on them for a few weeks now. I am praying that how I feel will pass with time. I pray that it will pass quickly. I hate how I feel, and I hate that right now I am regretting my choice to go back on this type of drug. Because of the way I feel inside, it's effecting my family. I don't think they know it or the reasons right now. I know my husband has noticed the change.

I have found that I have become short with people. I cannot handle even small things that come my way. I find when the kids start to yell or get crazy, it sends me over the top. I can't handle the punches that come my way with the ease I use to. I just can't take things and run with them. I find that even small things make me upset, and I get really mad about them. I fear that I yell at the kids too much. I just can't even see how it comes to it. It is like I go from 1 to 100 in no time at all. A side effect? I don't know. I thought that these types of medicine were suppose to help with your mood.

Because of the way things have gone, I feel totally inadequate to care for my kids. I feel that my kids will not understand if I do get upset. It is not their fault that I am having mood issues. It is not their fault I just can't handle the same things I could before I started. I feel that I have failed because I'm on these types of medicines again. I know I didn't go on them for anything but pain, but it still bothers me. I feel I have let not only myself down, but my family too.

I am guessing as this medicine gets into my system more, things will calm down. I will give them another month to get use to them. If it still continues, I will have to find something else to help me out. I refuse to be like this for a long time. My friends and family do not deserve to have me this way. Please pray that life gets better for all of us.

I am at a very vulnerable place in my life right now. I don't even know why I'm being so honest on the internet of all places. What a place for people to pick me apart and judge how bad of a person and mom I am. I just hope that in my being honest it explains some things for those that are around me or talk to me a lot. I also hope that someone else out there knows what I'm talking about. I just crave to know that I'm not alone. I need to know that I'm not a bad person or mother. I am going to have to really work hard to prove these things to myself.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening to my issues.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Too Busy for...

I hope this newest update finds everyone doing just fine. We have been going crazy and more crazy. :p Things have been very busy around our home, and I don't look for it to get better any time soon.

Genevieve has been in her part day preschool class for about 3 or 4 weeks now. She loves it! They do a theme a week, and they do so much to talk about it. She has now done the desert, caterpillars and butterflies, ants, and ladybugs. This week starts a new lesson on bumble bees. She really does have a great time, and she loves her teacher. We will see her teacher around some weekends. When Genevieve realizes who it is, she starts talking all over again about school and when she gets to go back.

Putting Genevieve in her school every day was suppose to give me some free time. It was suppose to make me feel like I can get stuff done. When she started I think 50 things all of a sudden came into play. It seems like I'm more busy now than before. However, I am glad that she is going because she loves it. I guess the few hours she goes every day just isn't enough :)

I have started reading Angels & Demons recently. I have been looking for it at the library for months now. I thought about buying when I was home visiting, but I just never did. I just have a hard time buying books for myself. Nine out of ten times I don't ever read my books more than once. Now that we are close to a library, I have started just doing that.

I love this library. They have a HUGE selection of books. There is a children's wing that has books for the little kids. I have taken the kids in and read to Genevieve while Samuel played in the stroller. They also have a big DVD selection. All their DVDs are donated, so they don't always have the best movies, but we have found some really good ones too. It saves a lot of money, and we can keep them a week.

Anyway, I had been looking at the library here for months for the book. It has always been checked out. I went in a couple of weeks ago looking for the book again, and I came up empty handed again. The Libraian asked what I was looking for. We had a short conversation about how it has been popular recently because of the movie coming out. She looked it up on the computer, and then put me on the wait list. I was worried it would take forever to get the book because I was 14th in line. She did tell me that they had a lot of copies of the book and not to get discouraged. Sure enough, about a week after I was put on the list, the book was sitting on the shelf waiting for me.

I haven't finished it yet, but I have enjoyed it so far. I liked the Da Vinci Code a lot. It was a good read. This one is the same way. I don't think it is really connected to the other book at all. It just uses the same main guy. It's like those Tom Clancy books. Jack Ryan I think is the main guy in those books. As it was explained to me (since I have only seen a couple of the movies) Jack is in a series, but they books aren't related to each other. One book doesn't take place before or after the other. I look forward to finishing the book to find out how this one ends. I am hoping it doesn't disappoint me. I'm sure it won't. Now I just have to carve out some time to get it finished.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Long Weekend

This past weekend was a long one. It was long in many different ways. My husband had Monday and Tuesday off, so it was a long one that way. Second, we had a lot going on. Most of the time I hate weekends like that. I like to relax with my husband at home on the weekends. I like doing things at my own pace. I don't want to do something because I have to. It just isn't fun that way.

Saturday night there was the Signal Ball here on post. My husband had to go due to being an usher. I believe I told you how I came about going in my last post. So I won't go into that again. So in the middle of the night Friday into Saturday, I get sick. I haven't been that sick since I was pregnant with Genevieve. I finally got my stomach calmed down, and it was time to wake up. I hate when that happens. I always seem to be in the deepest part of my sleep right before I am suppose to get up or need to get up. I spent the morning on the sofa trying to recoup from the night before. It took just about all morning, but I finally started to perk back up, and I kept some food down.

The ball was nice. It was like every other ball I have been to. There is the awkward receiving lines. That time where you have to shake the hands of all the people who are important to your spouses job, and get asked how you are doing. They make small talk in a place where you really only have time for one word answers. It isn't like you can carry on a conversation or anything. After that you make your way to your seats. They do the color guard, and they sing the National Anthem (both American and German). Usually then the dinner follows, but our dinner wasn't ready Saturday night. Instead they moved right to the speaker for the evening. To our surprise it was the Commanding General of USAEUR. I teased that we saw everyone there that is on the AFN commercials.

Anyway, the food was pretty good. All the balls we have been to the food hasn't been great. I take that back. The Christmas Social here it was good. Here was pretty good too. There is a certain way they do salads here. They had that, and I love that salad. It is a lot of veggies and a very light dressing. I can't say enough good things about it. They had a really good fruit salad for dessert and cake. We left before the dancing because well...I don't dance. It started with the Electric Slide, into the Cha cha song, and when the Macareena (sp) started, it was time to go.

The long weekend finished off with an unproductive trip to Mannheim (the store we wanted to go to was closed), and some time as a family. That is one thing I have been very thankful for. I miss my family and friends. I miss being close to people and seeing some on a normal basis. I miss being within a days drive of family. However, I am happy to trade it to have our family back together. When we were in recruiting, we didn't get much time as a family. He was home late, and not a lot of time off. Here we have time together to do things and hang out. It has been a great change. I know it won't last forever, so I am living it up while I can.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Shew...Lots of Plans, So Little Time

For over a month now we have known about an upcoming ball here on post. It is for the whole Signal Battalion here in Europe. Well, my husband got picked to be an usher, so he has to be there. Because he has to be there for the job, he got his ticket for free. He had asked me while I was home for a visit if I wanted to go. I said sure, found a dress to bring home, and that was that.

When I got home, I realized that the day the ball was, my friends were going to be back in the states for a visit. So I knew we didn't have a sitter for the kids. At that time we looked into childcare to see if they were going to offer that. At that point in time we were told no. So the plans were made. The kids and I would stay home, and my husband would go. We usually only stay for dinner and the program. We usually skip out on the DJ dance. We haven't been to the whole dance thing since our first ball back in Ft Riley. It didn't bother me. I have a new book to read, and I was going to get caught up on phone calls.

So fast forward to yesterday. All of a sudden they are offering childcare. It wasn't cheap, but it wasn't anything that'd break the bank. So my husband calls to see if I want to go. I told him I didn't know if I had a dress I could wear (that was clean), and a bunch of other things. He didn't even know for sure if he could still get me a ticket since they stopped selling them about 4 days ago. With that one phone call the race had begun.

I spent a good part of 2 hours getting plans together. I found out that it would cost just as much as the ticket we got for free to clean my dress. To get it back in time I had to do it express. I at least wasn't the only one up there. The Battalion Commander also had waited until the last min. to get his uniform cleaned too. So I didn't feel too bad about it. After I found out that I could get my dress done in time, I had to let my husband know that he could go ahead and get a couple of the slots for childcare. Then we had to take care of several other last second details. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Of course everything had to be planned and done yesterday. We had to have everything taken care of by close of the business day to be sure that we had everything in place for us and the kids. We did get it all done (proof you don't need a lot of time to go to a ball :p), and we are ready, minus my dress, for Saturday. I heard it is going to be a really nice ball. They aren't going to do a DJ, they are going to have a band come in and play. They are also going to have several performers come too. Lets hope the food is good, and we have a great time.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Quiet, School, and Prayer

As I sit on the sofa typing this, all seems to be right in the world. I have some housework to get done before lunch, but I still have a couple of hours for that. Samuel and Genevieve are playing well together in the back room, and all I can hear in the living room is the hum of the air conditioner and the occasional jet flying over head. It is so rare I have moments like these. When I do I know why I wanted children. It's the other 99.9% of the time when things are crazy and loud I wonder. So I'm taking advantage of the .1% chance I get, and I'm blogging today.

I picked this picture to post because I love it. Samuel wanted to play dress up with his sister. Since we don't really have anything boyish, this had to work. My mom made this skirt for Genevieve while we were home. It was so she didn't have to take off her clothes to play dress up. However, it didn't work out that way. She still likes to take off her clothes, and she just wears it like a strapless dress. Samuel sure had a good time with it though. Shh don't tell Daddy he was wearing a dress and had a pink phone though :p

We just started week 3 of preschool for Genevieve. She is so adorable when we get ready to go. She asks all morning if she can see her friends or if she can go to school. I have to remind her that she goes in the afternoon, and I will take her after we drop Daddy off at work. Yesterday we drove up, and she saw the building (it has a blue roof so it is easy to pick out). The conversation then went as followed:

G: "Oh Mommy! Thank you so very very much!"
M: "For what baby?"
G: "For bringing me back to my friends."

She loves it so much. I can only hope that this love for school lasts all the way until she graduates high school. Every day she is eager to learn new things and be around others her age. She doesn't care if she has never been to the class or not. She is just ready to get in there and make friends.

My prayer for my children is that they always are this confident in themselves. Genevieve can walk into these situations and just start to play and have fun. I pray that both my kids can always feel as if they fit in, can have fun, etc. Of course as parents we always want our children to have better than we did. I am the same way. I want my children to have a better life than I did (not saying mine was bad at all...because it wasn't). I want them to not have to feel the hurts of life that I have had to. I know it isn't something that is logical to hope for, but there it is. I pray that whatever comes their way in life will bless them in some way or another. I pray that everything that graces their lives is for the good of God, and I pray they will see it that way. I pray that even in hardships they see how they can use those times in their life. Some of the times I remember being the darkest have colored my life so much. When all I saw was black and gray, God painted a rainbow. I can use those dark times in my life for good now. Am I glad they happened...heck no! But I am stronger now, and I can use them for good. That is my prayer for my children.

And just like that, the quiet is gone. I need to get some dishes done, and things picked up anyway. The story of my life :)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Who Knew Getting Lost Could be Fun?!

So it's taken me a bit to get this up here, but I wanted to share this picture with you. I love this one. I think it is my favorite of all the pictures we took. This is the Heidelberg Castle from a look out point in the hills.

This past weekend my husband and I decided that we should drive around a bit. It was on Sunday so we knew the traffic would be a bit less (everything is closed on Sunday here). We just went up in the hills in town and started driving around them. We came across several look outs, but this one had the best view by far. You could see so much of the city and of the other hills. It was beautiful.

The week since has been full of school, appointments, and tests. Samuel had his follow up evaluation, and he is delayed enough for them to come to the home and do therapy with him. I also have had a CT Scan (came back normal) and a follow up appointment about my headaches. I got a new medicine to try, and we will see if that helps. Since I have them on a regular basis, the med is more for prevention instead of treatment. I start them tonight, so we will see how that goes. If it works, it will be the first time in man MANY years that I won't have a headache. I just didn't even do much about it or worry about treatments while I was pregnant or nursing. I mean what can they really give you anyway? The same thing for everything...Tylenol. :)

Genevieve has been settling in during this week of school. Her teacher told me yesterday that she is doing great, and she is really starting to settle in. I usually have to pry her off the playground if they are outside in the afternoons. She loves being with her friends and being in that setting. This week they are doing and learning around the book The Very Hungry Caterpillar. The first day of the week they talked about what they eat and all of that. They asked the kids what they would eat and put their answers in the hall. Most were the normal answers like leaves, watermelon, apples, candy, etc. When I got to Genevieve's name it said, "I eat Dora cereal." I about died when I read it. She doesn't normally get Dora cereal. She only gets it when she is at Mom and Dad's house. So why she thought of that, I'll never know. The things kids say.

Tomorrow my husband and I are going on a date night. I wish there were good movies showing, but there aren't. I think we are just going to check out a new place to eat and take in what we can.