For me, today has been one random thought after another. I haven't really had a train of thought since I woke up. It started when Genevieve woke me up. I wondered why the people who had said they were going to call me about going shopping never did. I wondered if I had done something so bad that they did not want to be around me. I wondered if my ideas about life in the military really bother them that bad. Or do I just smell? Did I forget to shower last time I saw them? Did they really just forget and not need to go?
Then after that my random thoughts moved to Genevieve's nap time. When would nap time be? Would she go right to sleep, or would I have to listen to her screams turn to laughing and talking and finally into silence? Would she sleep for awhile or would it be a short nap? (FYI, she didn't go right to sleep, but her nap was pretty long...that made up for it.)
Dishes came to mind next. Why are the dishes never done? It doesn't matter if I put dishes in the washer 2 times a day, there is always something in the sink. My kitchen never really feels clean until there are no dishes in the sink. It never seems to happen. It's like the laundry...it's never done.
Other things that crossed my mind...Why did I give Genevieve so much Apple Juice? When am I going to have time to get everything ready for our training this next weekend? Will my formal still fit me? What kind of shoes should I wear? Is my dress okay? Why does Sammy's breath stink so bad? Does this shirt make me look fat? Why are PJ pants so comfy? Is it bedtime yet?
As you can see, my mind has been going crazy toady. It has just been one random thought after another. I find that I am starting to worry a lot about stupid things. This happened at the end of my pregnancy with Genevieve as well. I never worry about things that really are an issue either. I worry if the bill went through (even though it is all automatic and has never had issues before). I worry if I have enough time to do this or that. And my worst fear of all...I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry I will ruin my child and make them crazy. I worry that my kids will think I'm a horrible mom. All these things keep me up at night sometimes, and there is some really weird stuff on TV in the middle of the night. I have become a regular on late night QVC, middle of the night Judge Mathis and People's Court, and all those crazy infomercials. Good thing I'm too tired to grab the phone and find my credit card :)
I did a Bible Study last spring that talked about how it is un-Godly to worry. By worrying we are saying to God that I don't trust you enough to be in control. We should trust God enough not to worry about things because he has it all under control. I guess I need to work on that still hu :p I have gotten real good about not worrying about the "what if's" so I am getting there. Why is it so hard to give up that control and not worry. Does worrying really help things get better? I don't think so. It just makes my hair want to turn gray. Who knows, maybe it already is. All it does is make me loose sleep and fret about things that aren't in my control. Why do I give those things that kind of power? I guess it is just being human. I don't know. I pray that I learn to deal with this better and that I learn to trust God more to handle my life so I don't worry as much.
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