This time of year is always hard for me. It was 5 years ago that Grams passed away. It was tonight 5 years ago that my husband and I made the long trip from Wichita, Kansas (after college classes) down to Mangum, Oklahoma. It was a long trip, and it was late into the night before we got there. We had a dog and I remember having a pumpkin hat for him to wear. Grams liked Sammy. She didn't like many dogs, but she didn't mind him. I think it is because he's really low strung, and he really just eats and sleeps. I remember going into the lobby to check in, and the guy working was dressed as the Inn Keeper from the Bible.
I had been with Grams and Papa a lot in her end days. I was with her before she even knew she had cancer. Her and Papa had moved up to Wichita into an Independent Living home. I would go over and take Grams to the store, to doctor's appointments, and many other things. We had just bought a new car, and I remember her telling me that next time she got a new car she wanted one with one of those "remote things." We talked about life and silly things on our trips. I remember when I told everyone my husband had sworn into the Army. Grams was there and said, "I think it was a good choice for you two, but I wish we all could have talked about it more." I know she didn't want us to talk about it because she wanted him not to do it, but just because that is how our family was.
She had surgery about one month before she passed. They found the tumor, and they closed her back up. They asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she had lived long enough. She said if this is how it was to end, then this was it. She did say it was a surprise because she always thought she would die because of her medicine she was on. She was on so many, she thought that some day she would get two that would react, and that is what would do it. We all hated her choice to just let it be, but how can you argue with Grams?! Once she made up her mind, that was it. Really there was nothing that would have helped, and I know she made the right choice. I am just selfish and wish she were still around.
Over the next month, we all spent time with her. There were up days and down days. She could no longer stay at their apartment, so she and Papa moved to Mom and Dad's house. She was put on Hospice, and the nurses started to come. She was put on pain meds (the cancer she had was very painful), and she always seemed up beat. There was the one big weekend. All of us grandkids were to come to town. It was our time to say our "goodbyes." Everyone drove in, and we all stayed in the living room or at her bedside. By this time, Grams and I had a routine. She would have me help her to the bathroom (she had a med cath and it made it hard to dress, undress, and do normal things), get ready for bed, and many other tasks. It is these memories that are the most vivid to me. I don't know if that is because they are the last I have of her, or if it is because they are the ones that mean the most to me. I remember one night before bed she put her cold cream on, her carmex, and got into bed. At that time she motioned for me to come closer, and yet closer again. When I got real close to her face, she rubbed her nose with cold cream all over it on my face. We laughed about this a lot over that month.
When we (the grandkids) were there, she would tell us stories about her when she was little. She talked about her first husband, and their life together. There were a few times we wondered if she would pass while everyone was there. She seemed to be looking somewhere far away. She seemed to see her loved ones around her. She would talk to them and tell them she was coming. We would all cry, and then it seems as quickly as that would happen, she'd be back with us. She would tell stories about when we all were little, and she'd tell everyone how much she loved them. I remember when heading to bed after us all being in there, she grabbed me and hugged me tight. Our conversation at that point went like this...
Grams: Emily? Emily? Where are you?
Me: I'm right here Grams. I'm hugging you now?
Grams: Where are you?
Me: I'm here with you now. Do you feel my hugging you?
Grams: Emily, I'm glad you are here. I'm worried about you.
Me: I'm just fine.
Grams: No, Emily, I'm worried about you.
It wasn't until later that I wondered why she was so worried about me. Was it my husband's upcoming enlistment in the Army? Was it that she found out that I was raped, and she was worried about what would come of my life? Was she worried because I wasn't strong enough to deal with what was to come? Why was she so worried about me? I guess I will never know, but she loved me so much to tell me that she was worried about me.
After everyone left and went home, we were back to "normal." It was just Mom, Dad, my husband, and I around. Grams and I would take naps on the bed together. I'd often wake and wonder if she were still there with me or had she gone on. Each time, she was there beside me sleeping away. She was in a lot of pain at this time. So much so that the meds were not working at all. We had the clergy person from Hospice come in to visit with her. Grams said that this person could share what was talked about with us. During their visit Grams told the clergy person that she was scared. She was scared that in the way she was dying she was not letting God come through. She was scared that we, her family, couldn't see God in her dying. What an amazing thing to be worried about. She wasn't scared of leaving us behind, she was scared that she wasn't showing the grace and love of God. That night she pulled out her med cath and was no longer in pain. We feel the pain was all spiritual and not physical. God took a painful cancer and kept her pain free. It just goes to show that God does take care of us ALWAYS.
She passed away about a week later. I wasn't there when she passed. I have to say how thankful I am to have had that time with her. How many people actually get time like that? I was really bitter for awhile because she told everyone (but me) a formal goodbye. I heard from one of the nurses that she was telling my cousins how much she loved them and that they should always be true to themselves. Why hadn't she told me these thing? Why wasn't I good enough to get a goodbye? Then a few months later I realized, she had done these things with me. She just didn't have to say them in the way she had with the other kids. She and I said goodbye over that month. We spent the month making memories that would last me forever. I realized that I got the best end of the deal. I was able to spend the time with her and to do things with her that no one else got.
It was a few weeks after my husband left for OSUT and to start his time with the Army that I got a really great surprise. I was in bed, and it was one of those mornings. I was in bed, and I was at that blissful state where you aren't awake, but you really aren't asleep. I was taking everything in and just enjoying the quiet. All of a sudden I was not in my room but in a field. There were flowers all around. I could feel the sun on my skin. It was the most wonderful place I have ever been. All of a sudden, there was Grams. She gave me a big hug. We walked around just took in what was around us. Finally she looked at me, hugged me again, and said, "I just want you to know that I am very proud of you. You are doing a good job."
Just like it had begun, it was over. I was awake, and I was in tears. This is all I wanted to hear from her. I just wanted to know that I had been living my life in a manor to make her proud of me. I hope she is looking down on me now, and she is proud of the way I am being a mom, a wife, a daughter, and a sister. I think of her often these days. I know it is because of where we live. We live about an hour from where her and Papa use to live. I keep thinking if she were only here... I know she is much better off where she is, but I can't get over being selfish sometimes and wish she were here with me. Someday we will all be together again, and what a day that will be. Grams taught me so much over the years. She taught me that family is very important. She taught me that we need to take care of each other. She taught me that we don't have to always like each other, but by golly, we have to love each other. And in her dying she taught me about God. Thinking back on her dying, I realized if you didn't believe in God, how could you not after watching her? She was in no pain. She seemed to be longing for something away from us. I honestly believe that she went to be with God on the day she died. I honestly know that God does exist, and he is waiting for me to be with him when my time comes.
Grams' favorite Hymn was "Grace that Is Greater than All Our Sins." Here is a bit of the song...
Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I am a Mean Momma
I have been told that I'm a mean mom. I am not going to be taking Genevieve out tonight to get candy. She isn't old enough to eat half of what she will get, and I'm cheap and don't want to buy her a costume. I don't care much for Halloween. I never really have and never will. When my children get old enough to care and want to go out, I will take them. I don't think they should have to "suffer" because of my lack of enjoyment on this night. I have bought candy this year, and if I don't eat it all in the next few hours, I'll pass some out :)
What's Your Name?
I saw this elsewhere and had to post it here. Feel free to swipe it...
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle name)
Ann James
9. NASCAR NAME: (name of your mother's dad, fathers dad)
Elmer James
8. STARWARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, any 2 letters of your first name)
Robem, Robmi, Robly
7. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, fav animal)
Pink Penguin
6. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Michelle Hutchinson
5. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav alcohol drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Blue Amaretto Sour
4. FLY GIRL/GUY NAME: (1st letter of 1st name, 1st 3 letters of your last)
E-Rob
3. GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Chocolate Covered Cherry Oreo
2. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pets name, current street name)
Annabelle Peach or Sammy Peach
1. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Romance Turtles
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle name)
Ann James
9. NASCAR NAME: (name of your mother's dad, fathers dad)
Elmer James
8. STARWARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, any 2 letters of your first name)
Robem, Robmi, Robly
7. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, fav animal)
Pink Penguin
6. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Michelle Hutchinson
5. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav alcohol drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Blue Amaretto Sour
4. FLY GIRL/GUY NAME: (1st letter of 1st name, 1st 3 letters of your last)
E-Rob
3. GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Chocolate Covered Cherry Oreo
2. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pets name, current street name)
Annabelle Peach or Sammy Peach
1. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Romance Turtles
Monday, October 29, 2007
ATC and Recruiter's Ring
So, as my cousin so nicely pointed out to me (I do love you Mandi!) it has been awhile since I have posted anything. I have a totally logical explanation, and it isn't as excuse :p My husband and I were attending ATC this past weekend. We left very early on Friday morning and didn't return until later last night. ATC is a training conference for Army Recruiters and their spouses. They have classes, time to get together with others, and a banquet and awards ceremony. We have now attended 3 of these functions, and this was by far the best one yet. We always leave Genevieve with my mom, and we go by ourselves to have some alone time. So it is a busy weekend, but one in which we enjoy our time as adults.
This year was our very last ATC. We have been to 2 others, but we know for sure that we have an out date, and I'm sure they won't have another before we leave. The classes for spouses were not too bad. I seem to learn at least one new thing every year. This year was no different. It is amazing how exciting it can be to hear that our dental insurance now covers 1/2 of mouth guards. I am in desperate need of a new one, and that is great news! Anyway, there were a few times I wanted to tell some of the women (as in the words of my husband) "Drink water and drive on." I mean what good does complaining so much do? It doesn't change anything at all. All I have found that it does is cause me to get a really bad stomach ache and my friends to stop calling for a few days. I guess I have learned in my short time as an Army wife (a whole 4.5 years) to not dwell on things you have no control over...and that is pretty much EVERYTHING in the Army. Even sitting through these sessions of the same women upset over the same things they've been going on and on about for the past 3 years, I enjoyed being an adult and not a mom.
The banquet and awards ceremony was very nice. The food was horrible, but it is every year. We pay 60 dollars for a meal that is less than stellar. We always end up going out after the ceremony for food. How sad is it that we pay that much for a meal that doesn't even fill you up or taste good? This year we walked in, and I saw a woman I had visited with the day before. She asked us to sit with them, and we did. It just so happened that the 1st Sgt and the Company Commander were at the table to. Funny thing is we always end up at the table with at least one of them each year. We never set out looking for them, but it is just funny how we always end up there.
The awards ceremony was nice too. My husband ended up getting his Recruiter's Ring. It is an award that is based all on points. It is really hard to explain the points system that goes into this award, but I will try. For each person a recruiter puts into the Army they get points. The points are based on ASVAB scores and a couple of other things. They get points when the person ships and more when they complete training. Anyway, you have to get enough points to get 3 starts on a sliver badge, a gold badge, 3 stars on that badge, and then points that go to the ring. I *think* it's about 2400 points total to get the ring. Now that everyone is confused... Anyway, we got called up on stage to shake everyone's hand, and he got his ring and certificate handed to him. I am very proud of all he has done, and how well he has done. He has worked really hard, and it hasn't been easy.
Anyway, that has been what I've been up to. It was a long weekend, and another year is over. When I get our pictures back, I will post one. We are all dressed up in our finest :) I almost didn't find a dress, but I finally did. I hope they turned out well. I'm glad that I'm stalked enough to know that if I don't blog, someone notices. Makes me feel somewhat important :) Thank you for making me feel loved today :)
This year was our very last ATC. We have been to 2 others, but we know for sure that we have an out date, and I'm sure they won't have another before we leave. The classes for spouses were not too bad. I seem to learn at least one new thing every year. This year was no different. It is amazing how exciting it can be to hear that our dental insurance now covers 1/2 of mouth guards. I am in desperate need of a new one, and that is great news! Anyway, there were a few times I wanted to tell some of the women (as in the words of my husband) "Drink water and drive on." I mean what good does complaining so much do? It doesn't change anything at all. All I have found that it does is cause me to get a really bad stomach ache and my friends to stop calling for a few days. I guess I have learned in my short time as an Army wife (a whole 4.5 years) to not dwell on things you have no control over...and that is pretty much EVERYTHING in the Army. Even sitting through these sessions of the same women upset over the same things they've been going on and on about for the past 3 years, I enjoyed being an adult and not a mom.
The banquet and awards ceremony was very nice. The food was horrible, but it is every year. We pay 60 dollars for a meal that is less than stellar. We always end up going out after the ceremony for food. How sad is it that we pay that much for a meal that doesn't even fill you up or taste good? This year we walked in, and I saw a woman I had visited with the day before. She asked us to sit with them, and we did. It just so happened that the 1st Sgt and the Company Commander were at the table to. Funny thing is we always end up at the table with at least one of them each year. We never set out looking for them, but it is just funny how we always end up there.
The awards ceremony was nice too. My husband ended up getting his Recruiter's Ring. It is an award that is based all on points. It is really hard to explain the points system that goes into this award, but I will try. For each person a recruiter puts into the Army they get points. The points are based on ASVAB scores and a couple of other things. They get points when the person ships and more when they complete training. Anyway, you have to get enough points to get 3 starts on a sliver badge, a gold badge, 3 stars on that badge, and then points that go to the ring. I *think* it's about 2400 points total to get the ring. Now that everyone is confused... Anyway, we got called up on stage to shake everyone's hand, and he got his ring and certificate handed to him. I am very proud of all he has done, and how well he has done. He has worked really hard, and it hasn't been easy.
Anyway, that has been what I've been up to. It was a long weekend, and another year is over. When I get our pictures back, I will post one. We are all dressed up in our finest :) I almost didn't find a dress, but I finally did. I hope they turned out well. I'm glad that I'm stalked enough to know that if I don't blog, someone notices. Makes me feel somewhat important :) Thank you for making me feel loved today :)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Are days getting longer?
I know that technically that the days are getting shorter. As that wonderful time (daylight savings) comes, I am sad that it was moved back further in the year. I don't know why I like it so much, but that one night where I get an extra hour is worth it all. I don't feel the same about the spring, but we aren't at that time of year are we?! :p
I feel as though no matter how much sleep I can get in a day that I just can't get enough. I long for just a few child free days so I can sleep all day and stay in my jammies if I want to. We are going out of town this weekend, and we are not taking Genevieve. Every year there is a Recruiter training (ATC) and that is my hubby and I's time away. We leave Genevieve with my parents, and we are just alone for those 2 days. We are very busy, but just that we are alone and only think of us is nice. I have stuff going on, so I know I won't get any more sleep than I do at home, but the thought is nice. Maybe it will be just enough to give me a breather and help me feel refreshed.
If you would have asked me 3 years ago if being a stay at home mom (SAHM) was hard, I would have laughed. I wanted to be a SAHM because I thought that was the easier of the two choices (home and work). I have never found a line of work that I am just in love with and want to make a career out of. Maybe that really has the most to do with it. After being a SAHM with Genevieve for almost 2 years I'd say it is the hardest job I've done in my life. I feel as though I can't get anything done on some days, and I crave the idea of work more and more. I know that I don't really WANT to go back to work. I feel as though my place is home with my child and soon to be children. I feel as though it has made me more attached to Genevieve. It took all I had to leave her the first time for more than a few hours. I cried and I called home about every 10 mins just to check on her. However, is being attached to your lovely child a bad thing? I have learned to let go more, and it isn't as hard anymore. I know she is safe, taken care of, and probably having a good 'ol time.
I guess just looking back on the last two years of being a mom, I realize just how much I have been blessed. I have a wonderful, demanding daughter, a very loving husband who puts up with me, and a family (all of my family) that loves and supports me. Even though life seems so short with being so tired, I can look back and count all my blessings I have been given. It's amazing how reflecting on a day that was horrible can make you realize how really wonderful your life is.
I feel as though no matter how much sleep I can get in a day that I just can't get enough. I long for just a few child free days so I can sleep all day and stay in my jammies if I want to. We are going out of town this weekend, and we are not taking Genevieve. Every year there is a Recruiter training (ATC) and that is my hubby and I's time away. We leave Genevieve with my parents, and we are just alone for those 2 days. We are very busy, but just that we are alone and only think of us is nice. I have stuff going on, so I know I won't get any more sleep than I do at home, but the thought is nice. Maybe it will be just enough to give me a breather and help me feel refreshed.
If you would have asked me 3 years ago if being a stay at home mom (SAHM) was hard, I would have laughed. I wanted to be a SAHM because I thought that was the easier of the two choices (home and work). I have never found a line of work that I am just in love with and want to make a career out of. Maybe that really has the most to do with it. After being a SAHM with Genevieve for almost 2 years I'd say it is the hardest job I've done in my life. I feel as though I can't get anything done on some days, and I crave the idea of work more and more. I know that I don't really WANT to go back to work. I feel as though my place is home with my child and soon to be children. I feel as though it has made me more attached to Genevieve. It took all I had to leave her the first time for more than a few hours. I cried and I called home about every 10 mins just to check on her. However, is being attached to your lovely child a bad thing? I have learned to let go more, and it isn't as hard anymore. I know she is safe, taken care of, and probably having a good 'ol time.
I guess just looking back on the last two years of being a mom, I realize just how much I have been blessed. I have a wonderful, demanding daughter, a very loving husband who puts up with me, and a family (all of my family) that loves and supports me. Even though life seems so short with being so tired, I can look back and count all my blessings I have been given. It's amazing how reflecting on a day that was horrible can make you realize how really wonderful your life is.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
No Nap = Cranky Daughter
Every day I have an OB appointment it makes for a long day. We live an hour (one way) from the doctor's office. This month's appointment was made for late afternoon. By the time I have to start driving to get there, it is nap time. Genevieve doesn't usually nap well in the car. She didn't on the way down, so the appointment went well, but she was very cranky. She did nap on the way back, but once you get her out of the car, any hope for the nap going on is over.
My appointment went well. I am measuring about 2 weeks further along than I am. Several months ago I would have been excited at that news. My husband found out he will need to be at school and will be gone until 5 days before I am due. So it is my job now to keep this baby put until he is home. She did say that because the baby seems to be moving to head down that could have thrown off the measurements. The heart rate is 145, and everything looks good.
I did find out though because I now have a thyroid issues, I am considered a moderate risk. They said that because everything has gone well thus far they aren't too worried, but that they still need to be sure. Starting on my next visit I will now have to go through stress tests. I will have 1 a week for 2 to 3 weeks, and then it will move to 2 a week. I guess it is no big deal. They are just going to hook me up to monitors and see what the baby does. If there isn't much movement or they are wondering about anything, they will do an ultrasound to make sure all is well. I just have to find someone to watch Genevieve now while I go do these tests. Fun stuff.
Speaking of Genevieve, I hear her going nuts in her bed. I better go and make sure she isn't tearing the place up :)
My appointment went well. I am measuring about 2 weeks further along than I am. Several months ago I would have been excited at that news. My husband found out he will need to be at school and will be gone until 5 days before I am due. So it is my job now to keep this baby put until he is home. She did say that because the baby seems to be moving to head down that could have thrown off the measurements. The heart rate is 145, and everything looks good.
I did find out though because I now have a thyroid issues, I am considered a moderate risk. They said that because everything has gone well thus far they aren't too worried, but that they still need to be sure. Starting on my next visit I will now have to go through stress tests. I will have 1 a week for 2 to 3 weeks, and then it will move to 2 a week. I guess it is no big deal. They are just going to hook me up to monitors and see what the baby does. If there isn't much movement or they are wondering about anything, they will do an ultrasound to make sure all is well. I just have to find someone to watch Genevieve now while I go do these tests. Fun stuff.
Speaking of Genevieve, I hear her going nuts in her bed. I better go and make sure she isn't tearing the place up :)
Monday, October 22, 2007
Good Times
Do you ever have one of those times where whatever you see, read, or do takes you back to the "days"? That was this weekend for me. It all started when I saw this link in an online group I visit.
http://www.mcphee.com/items/11476.html
I cannot believe they have BACON BAND AIDS! They make me think back to when I was younger. One summer my cousin came to stay with us. I don't know what got us onto the kick, but we painted strips of bacon on our fingernails.
After that thought came to mind, the whole summer came back to me. I remember days of recording videos to pass the time. My sister, cousin, and I had spent the summer making stupid movies. It all started with a pretend game show and these commercials we made up using things we found around the house. There was the salt commercial where we "put" salt in our open wounds. That was then followed by refried beans. And that was followed by the infamous Fiber Food. We all three took turns sitting on the pot talking about not being able to take a poo. We laughed so hard when we made them. Every now and then the Fiber Food commercial resurfaces, and we all get a great chuckle about it.
Later in the summer Midge and Madge were born. They were polyester leisure suit wearing sisters. They each were missing a tooth until all of a sudden it was "fixed." Mainly it was just because the black was coming off, and we needed to keep going. Midge and Madge had a few adventures, but none like the Roadkill Cafe. That started with about 20 takes of the girls running over a stuffed dog in the car. It took so many due to people stopping to see what the heck we were doing. If no one came by while filming, we had to redo it because my sister who was filming was laughing so hard it could be heard, and the camera would shake. After the dog was finally run over, we picked it up off the road with a shovel. From there that poor dog was thrown into the microwave and many other things.
I can't remember all the things that were put on film that summer, but I know we all had a great time making up things to put on the tape. Most of them were really stupid, but we were young. What can we say?!
http://www.mcphee.com/items/11476.html
I cannot believe they have BACON BAND AIDS! They make me think back to when I was younger. One summer my cousin came to stay with us. I don't know what got us onto the kick, but we painted strips of bacon on our fingernails.
After that thought came to mind, the whole summer came back to me. I remember days of recording videos to pass the time. My sister, cousin, and I had spent the summer making stupid movies. It all started with a pretend game show and these commercials we made up using things we found around the house. There was the salt commercial where we "put" salt in our open wounds. That was then followed by refried beans. And that was followed by the infamous Fiber Food. We all three took turns sitting on the pot talking about not being able to take a poo. We laughed so hard when we made them. Every now and then the Fiber Food commercial resurfaces, and we all get a great chuckle about it.
Later in the summer Midge and Madge were born. They were polyester leisure suit wearing sisters. They each were missing a tooth until all of a sudden it was "fixed." Mainly it was just because the black was coming off, and we needed to keep going. Midge and Madge had a few adventures, but none like the Roadkill Cafe. That started with about 20 takes of the girls running over a stuffed dog in the car. It took so many due to people stopping to see what the heck we were doing. If no one came by while filming, we had to redo it because my sister who was filming was laughing so hard it could be heard, and the camera would shake. After the dog was finally run over, we picked it up off the road with a shovel. From there that poor dog was thrown into the microwave and many other things.
I can't remember all the things that were put on film that summer, but I know we all had a great time making up things to put on the tape. Most of them were really stupid, but we were young. What can we say?!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Random Thoughts for the Day
For me, today has been one random thought after another. I haven't really had a train of thought since I woke up. It started when Genevieve woke me up. I wondered why the people who had said they were going to call me about going shopping never did. I wondered if I had done something so bad that they did not want to be around me. I wondered if my ideas about life in the military really bother them that bad. Or do I just smell? Did I forget to shower last time I saw them? Did they really just forget and not need to go?
Then after that my random thoughts moved to Genevieve's nap time. When would nap time be? Would she go right to sleep, or would I have to listen to her screams turn to laughing and talking and finally into silence? Would she sleep for awhile or would it be a short nap? (FYI, she didn't go right to sleep, but her nap was pretty long...that made up for it.)
Dishes came to mind next. Why are the dishes never done? It doesn't matter if I put dishes in the washer 2 times a day, there is always something in the sink. My kitchen never really feels clean until there are no dishes in the sink. It never seems to happen. It's like the laundry...it's never done.
Other things that crossed my mind...Why did I give Genevieve so much Apple Juice? When am I going to have time to get everything ready for our training this next weekend? Will my formal still fit me? What kind of shoes should I wear? Is my dress okay? Why does Sammy's breath stink so bad? Does this shirt make me look fat? Why are PJ pants so comfy? Is it bedtime yet?
As you can see, my mind has been going crazy toady. It has just been one random thought after another. I find that I am starting to worry a lot about stupid things. This happened at the end of my pregnancy with Genevieve as well. I never worry about things that really are an issue either. I worry if the bill went through (even though it is all automatic and has never had issues before). I worry if I have enough time to do this or that. And my worst fear of all...I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry I will ruin my child and make them crazy. I worry that my kids will think I'm a horrible mom. All these things keep me up at night sometimes, and there is some really weird stuff on TV in the middle of the night. I have become a regular on late night QVC, middle of the night Judge Mathis and People's Court, and all those crazy infomercials. Good thing I'm too tired to grab the phone and find my credit card :)
I did a Bible Study last spring that talked about how it is un-Godly to worry. By worrying we are saying to God that I don't trust you enough to be in control. We should trust God enough not to worry about things because he has it all under control. I guess I need to work on that still hu :p I have gotten real good about not worrying about the "what if's" so I am getting there. Why is it so hard to give up that control and not worry. Does worrying really help things get better? I don't think so. It just makes my hair want to turn gray. Who knows, maybe it already is. All it does is make me loose sleep and fret about things that aren't in my control. Why do I give those things that kind of power? I guess it is just being human. I don't know. I pray that I learn to deal with this better and that I learn to trust God more to handle my life so I don't worry as much.
Then after that my random thoughts moved to Genevieve's nap time. When would nap time be? Would she go right to sleep, or would I have to listen to her screams turn to laughing and talking and finally into silence? Would she sleep for awhile or would it be a short nap? (FYI, she didn't go right to sleep, but her nap was pretty long...that made up for it.)
Dishes came to mind next. Why are the dishes never done? It doesn't matter if I put dishes in the washer 2 times a day, there is always something in the sink. My kitchen never really feels clean until there are no dishes in the sink. It never seems to happen. It's like the laundry...it's never done.
Other things that crossed my mind...Why did I give Genevieve so much Apple Juice? When am I going to have time to get everything ready for our training this next weekend? Will my formal still fit me? What kind of shoes should I wear? Is my dress okay? Why does Sammy's breath stink so bad? Does this shirt make me look fat? Why are PJ pants so comfy? Is it bedtime yet?
As you can see, my mind has been going crazy toady. It has just been one random thought after another. I find that I am starting to worry a lot about stupid things. This happened at the end of my pregnancy with Genevieve as well. I never worry about things that really are an issue either. I worry if the bill went through (even though it is all automatic and has never had issues before). I worry if I have enough time to do this or that. And my worst fear of all...I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry I will ruin my child and make them crazy. I worry that my kids will think I'm a horrible mom. All these things keep me up at night sometimes, and there is some really weird stuff on TV in the middle of the night. I have become a regular on late night QVC, middle of the night Judge Mathis and People's Court, and all those crazy infomercials. Good thing I'm too tired to grab the phone and find my credit card :)
I did a Bible Study last spring that talked about how it is un-Godly to worry. By worrying we are saying to God that I don't trust you enough to be in control. We should trust God enough not to worry about things because he has it all under control. I guess I need to work on that still hu :p I have gotten real good about not worrying about the "what if's" so I am getting there. Why is it so hard to give up that control and not worry. Does worrying really help things get better? I don't think so. It just makes my hair want to turn gray. Who knows, maybe it already is. All it does is make me loose sleep and fret about things that aren't in my control. Why do I give those things that kind of power? I guess it is just being human. I don't know. I pray that I learn to deal with this better and that I learn to trust God more to handle my life so I don't worry as much.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Little Sleep, Surgery, and Swollen Feet, OH MY!
So, if you follow my short blogging history, you will notice that I did not post yesterday. It was an early day, a long day, and all I could do when I got home was to heat up some left over pizza and go to bed. We all felt that way when we finally made it home.
Yesterday Genevieve had her second round of Defulx surgery. For those of you who don't know, she has bladder refulx. It is caused when the valves in the bladder that keep the urine from going back up into the kidneys do not work. She had a grade 5 (the worst) reflux when we saw the specialist over a year and a half ago. She was then put on antibiotics for a year to see if that would allow those valves to rest enough to start working on their own. When the year didn't do anything, they gave us 3 choices. We could keep her on antibiotics until age 5 (with yearly tests to see what is going on), deflux surgery, or another surgery. The other surgery was not an option for us because it was so abrasive. They would cut her open, cut open her bladder, and then pull the tubes down into her bladder further. It came with a 98% success rate, but the recovery time was 4 days at least in the hospital and a long road of bladder spasms and pain. The deflux surgery is done with one scope and needles. Therefore there would be no cutting, and no recovery time. It only came with about an 82% success rate (and 95% if repeated), but a lot less traumatic. After looking at all the options, we chose the deflux.
She had her first surgery about 4 months ago. When we went back for her follow up and tests, it did not take care of the problem fully. She still has reflux but only when her bladder was totally full. I think they downgraded her to a grade 3. After that, we were advised and agreed to repeat the surgery. We had that surgery done yesterday.
We were very lucky that they worked with us enough so we didn't have to leave here real early. The hospital is over an hour away, and you have to check in 2 hours before the surgery. We were up around 6:30, and left the house by 7:30. We got checked in and went back to pre-op. Everyone came by to do the normal things (vitals, make sure we understood what was about to happen, etc). The anesthesiologist came by to explain what he would be doing. He then asked about her mouth, throat, and teeth. I let him know that she was teething, but seemed to be doing fine with it. He ordered Tylenol and Versed for her. He said the Versed would help calm her down, and make the process a lot easier....and then it started.
The first 10 mins or so, everything was great. She was being goofy and we were having a good time. After that, you could tell she was getting tired. Then it started. She was throwing a HUGE temper tantrum. I have never seen her do anything like this. She was like a caged monkey in her crib. It was a big mess. When the doctor came in, he asked about what was going on. He said that it can be a common reaction to the Versed (lesson learned). We were able to walk her back all the way until she got ready to go to surgery. She was screaming and holding her hands out for us saying, "Momma!" I have to admit it really got to me. I was crying, and I thought everyone was looking at me.
The surgery went well, and her recovery went fine as well. She slept most of it away. When she did wake up, she drank a lot of juice, and we were able to leave. We went and got some dinner, and she loved taking a cheese bath with her Mac and Cheese. We got home, and she did more damage in the hour she was playing than she usually does all day. Needless to say, she got a bath, and we put her to bed. I don't think it took much for any of us to go to sleep last night.
Today has been fine. You can't even tell that she had surgery yesterday. She's the same 'ol Genevieve she always is. Mom on the other hand is still very tired. I didn't get to sleep during the whole surgery :) Because of all the time at the hospital yesterday, my feet are swollen, and I hate it. Not only do they look bad, but they just hurt. We will head back at the end of Nov to do the first test to see how things are looking. She will then have one more appointment after that to see if everything worked this time.
I know that there are a lot of people out there that have really sent out prayers and their love during all of this. We really appreciate everything that everyone has done for us. We pray that this has taken care of the problem, and that she will not have to stay on the antibiotics. Thank you all!
Yesterday Genevieve had her second round of Defulx surgery. For those of you who don't know, she has bladder refulx. It is caused when the valves in the bladder that keep the urine from going back up into the kidneys do not work. She had a grade 5 (the worst) reflux when we saw the specialist over a year and a half ago. She was then put on antibiotics for a year to see if that would allow those valves to rest enough to start working on their own. When the year didn't do anything, they gave us 3 choices. We could keep her on antibiotics until age 5 (with yearly tests to see what is going on), deflux surgery, or another surgery. The other surgery was not an option for us because it was so abrasive. They would cut her open, cut open her bladder, and then pull the tubes down into her bladder further. It came with a 98% success rate, but the recovery time was 4 days at least in the hospital and a long road of bladder spasms and pain. The deflux surgery is done with one scope and needles. Therefore there would be no cutting, and no recovery time. It only came with about an 82% success rate (and 95% if repeated), but a lot less traumatic. After looking at all the options, we chose the deflux.
She had her first surgery about 4 months ago. When we went back for her follow up and tests, it did not take care of the problem fully. She still has reflux but only when her bladder was totally full. I think they downgraded her to a grade 3. After that, we were advised and agreed to repeat the surgery. We had that surgery done yesterday.
We were very lucky that they worked with us enough so we didn't have to leave here real early. The hospital is over an hour away, and you have to check in 2 hours before the surgery. We were up around 6:30, and left the house by 7:30. We got checked in and went back to pre-op. Everyone came by to do the normal things (vitals, make sure we understood what was about to happen, etc). The anesthesiologist came by to explain what he would be doing. He then asked about her mouth, throat, and teeth. I let him know that she was teething, but seemed to be doing fine with it. He ordered Tylenol and Versed for her. He said the Versed would help calm her down, and make the process a lot easier....and then it started.
The first 10 mins or so, everything was great. She was being goofy and we were having a good time. After that, you could tell she was getting tired. Then it started. She was throwing a HUGE temper tantrum. I have never seen her do anything like this. She was like a caged monkey in her crib. It was a big mess. When the doctor came in, he asked about what was going on. He said that it can be a common reaction to the Versed (lesson learned). We were able to walk her back all the way until she got ready to go to surgery. She was screaming and holding her hands out for us saying, "Momma!" I have to admit it really got to me. I was crying, and I thought everyone was looking at me.
The surgery went well, and her recovery went fine as well. She slept most of it away. When she did wake up, she drank a lot of juice, and we were able to leave. We went and got some dinner, and she loved taking a cheese bath with her Mac and Cheese. We got home, and she did more damage in the hour she was playing than she usually does all day. Needless to say, she got a bath, and we put her to bed. I don't think it took much for any of us to go to sleep last night.
Today has been fine. You can't even tell that she had surgery yesterday. She's the same 'ol Genevieve she always is. Mom on the other hand is still very tired. I didn't get to sleep during the whole surgery :) Because of all the time at the hospital yesterday, my feet are swollen, and I hate it. Not only do they look bad, but they just hurt. We will head back at the end of Nov to do the first test to see how things are looking. She will then have one more appointment after that to see if everything worked this time.
I know that there are a lot of people out there that have really sent out prayers and their love during all of this. We really appreciate everything that everyone has done for us. We pray that this has taken care of the problem, and that she will not have to stay on the antibiotics. Thank you all!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Early mornings and MOPS
What a long day! I have trained my daughter well so she knows not to get up until at least 9:30. What can I say?! I'm a night owl, and I like to sleep. It works well for both of us, and what is it they say? When momma ain't happy, no one is. :p Anyway, I decided to go to a local MOPS meeting. Someone on an online message board had told me about the group in their area, and how much fun it was. I looked it up online, and sure enough, there is a group here in town. Only problem...it starts at 8:30 am.
The time didn't keep me from going though, in the past it might have. I am desperate to make some friends around here. I don't know why now, but I really feel a need to get to know other moms here in town. It took me long enough considering we have been here for over 2 years now. However, today was successful. I didn't make plans outside the meeting, but I did meet some amazing women.
Needless to say, I am very tired from getting up much earlier than I normally do. Genevieve didn't do well with the early morning either. When I put her down for her nap, she put her head down on her pillow, looked up at me, and said, "Night night Mama." Talk about making my day :) If only it were always that easy. Tonight when she went down, she was mad because her Daddy took away a toy that she wanted to take with her. I usually wouldn't care and just let her, but this one wasn't really bed worthy. She got over it, but not without screaming for a bit.
I am looking at the screen, and I just can't focus. I am really tired, and my stomach is doing somersaults. Tomorrow will be another early day as well. Genevieve is having surgery again, and we have to leave the house at 7:30. It will be another long day. So I'm going to just be done tonight, and get some rest :p I guess it's a boring day :)
The time didn't keep me from going though, in the past it might have. I am desperate to make some friends around here. I don't know why now, but I really feel a need to get to know other moms here in town. It took me long enough considering we have been here for over 2 years now. However, today was successful. I didn't make plans outside the meeting, but I did meet some amazing women.
Needless to say, I am very tired from getting up much earlier than I normally do. Genevieve didn't do well with the early morning either. When I put her down for her nap, she put her head down on her pillow, looked up at me, and said, "Night night Mama." Talk about making my day :) If only it were always that easy. Tonight when she went down, she was mad because her Daddy took away a toy that she wanted to take with her. I usually wouldn't care and just let her, but this one wasn't really bed worthy. She got over it, but not without screaming for a bit.
I am looking at the screen, and I just can't focus. I am really tired, and my stomach is doing somersaults. Tomorrow will be another early day as well. Genevieve is having surgery again, and we have to leave the house at 7:30. It will be another long day. So I'm going to just be done tonight, and get some rest :p I guess it's a boring day :)
Monday, October 15, 2007
Cleaning and Purging
So, I really think I need to find something to do with myself. I find myself online more and more. I should clean and get things done around the house, but being 6 1/2 months pregnant, I feel so tired and bloated. I really need to have my cousin come see me and help me get organized. I use to have a chore chart (as childish as it sounds) to keep me on track. It worked for about 2 months. I just find that when I'm up with Genevieve, she takes a lot of time and energy. When she goes down for a nap, I feel like I need to put my feet up and relax just so I am ready for her when she gets up. How do you do it all in a day? I guess the key is to not let it get bad.
Now you see I say bad, but I don't think my home is that bad. It feels lived in, but nothing that I'd be upset if someone stopped by to see me unannounced. I guess my house is more cluttered. I really wish I could get on that show Clean Sweep. I'm really not THAT bad, but I would love to really go through everything and just purge. I just don't know where to start, and it just seems so overwhelming. I guess that is the thing I look forward most to moving overseas. Our place will not be as big as the one we have now. I will have to go through everything and get rid of the things we really just do not need. Maybe if I get it done that time, I will get in a routine of just purging all the time. I use to be one of those people who kept things because of the memories they had. I would keep notes I got in high school, Christmas Cards, and just little things like that. I have started to throw those away at the end of the season. (Please don't be offended if you send me cards...I really can't keep them forever. Can I?)
All this, and don't get me started on Genevieve's toys! She has so many. I need to take some to the grandparent's houses and get them out of mine. I don't even pick them up during the day anymore. It's a loosing battle. I put them away when she naps, and when she is up, they are all back out again. How many toys are enough? How many are too many? I guess when we have 3 toy bins full, that is too many. On a side note, one of those bins are toys she has outgrown but the new baby can use. So that is recycling right?! Holding onto things like that and baby clothes are fine because they can be used again? Is my thinking wrong? Am I just trying to justify keeping things that don't need to be held on to? The world may never know.
Now you see I say bad, but I don't think my home is that bad. It feels lived in, but nothing that I'd be upset if someone stopped by to see me unannounced. I guess my house is more cluttered. I really wish I could get on that show Clean Sweep. I'm really not THAT bad, but I would love to really go through everything and just purge. I just don't know where to start, and it just seems so overwhelming. I guess that is the thing I look forward most to moving overseas. Our place will not be as big as the one we have now. I will have to go through everything and get rid of the things we really just do not need. Maybe if I get it done that time, I will get in a routine of just purging all the time. I use to be one of those people who kept things because of the memories they had. I would keep notes I got in high school, Christmas Cards, and just little things like that. I have started to throw those away at the end of the season. (Please don't be offended if you send me cards...I really can't keep them forever. Can I?)
All this, and don't get me started on Genevieve's toys! She has so many. I need to take some to the grandparent's houses and get them out of mine. I don't even pick them up during the day anymore. It's a loosing battle. I put them away when she naps, and when she is up, they are all back out again. How many toys are enough? How many are too many? I guess when we have 3 toy bins full, that is too many. On a side note, one of those bins are toys she has outgrown but the new baby can use. So that is recycling right?! Holding onto things like that and baby clothes are fine because they can be used again? Is my thinking wrong? Am I just trying to justify keeping things that don't need to be held on to? The world may never know.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
First Timer
So, as I sit her getting ready to type out my first blog, my world is calm. The weather is awesome, my dogs are quiet, Genevieve is eating a snack quietly, and everything seems to be calm. I am thinking to myself how long will this actually last? And it ends. Genevieve is now throwing her Little People animals at Annabelle (one of our dogs), and a few are zooming past Annabelle and and getting me. The squealing starts and the dog is on the move. And just as quickly as it begun, it has ended. She is back to quiet, and all is right in the world for now. I have a camel, tiger, flamingo, and lion in my lap, but I guess that is better than potatoes in my hair or food all over the walls.
When I think about how crazy life is with Genevieve I wonder why we even thought to have another baby. I know the answers, but I often wonder. I wonder the same things about my life in general a lot. It's like getting on that crazy roller coaster that you hate, but just can't stay away from. You get in line and wonder why you are there. You look at it and say you are just going to walk through and not ride. You watch it time and time again and know that you just don't think you can do it. But then something happens when it gets to your turn. You have thought all these things, but you are now ready to ride. You get on and even though you think you might pee your pants, you still decide to ride. As the hills and turns come you think you are about to die, and you scream like you never knew you could. However, when the ride comes to an end, you know you had a great time, and you can't wait to do it again. You get back in line at a new roller coaster and the process starts all over again. I guess this is what makes them so exciting. Even though it may not be the best way to describe my life, this is how it often feels.
I had better wrap this up right now because I see that things are about to get crazy. Not just in the house, but a bad thunderstorm is about to hit town. I hear the thunder, and on the local channels they are talking about sever weather and tornadoes. Who ever heard of a tornado in mid October?
When I think about how crazy life is with Genevieve I wonder why we even thought to have another baby. I know the answers, but I often wonder. I wonder the same things about my life in general a lot. It's like getting on that crazy roller coaster that you hate, but just can't stay away from. You get in line and wonder why you are there. You look at it and say you are just going to walk through and not ride. You watch it time and time again and know that you just don't think you can do it. But then something happens when it gets to your turn. You have thought all these things, but you are now ready to ride. You get on and even though you think you might pee your pants, you still decide to ride. As the hills and turns come you think you are about to die, and you scream like you never knew you could. However, when the ride comes to an end, you know you had a great time, and you can't wait to do it again. You get back in line at a new roller coaster and the process starts all over again. I guess this is what makes them so exciting. Even though it may not be the best way to describe my life, this is how it often feels.
I had better wrap this up right now because I see that things are about to get crazy. Not just in the house, but a bad thunderstorm is about to hit town. I hear the thunder, and on the local channels they are talking about sever weather and tornadoes. Who ever heard of a tornado in mid October?
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