So I guess it's that time to say you really want to do something and see if you can keep up with it. Usually I resolve not to have any resolutions. That way I'm not disappointed in myself when I can't keep the extreme things I say I want to do. I should just set my goals to be a bit more realistic, but those kinds of resolutions are cool to tell people. I mean it isn't too impressive to tell people you just want to get up everyday or be able to sleep all night. So that's why I will just make my resolutions very boring this year. I think I'm going to open up more. I think that no matter what people think of me, I'm going to let you all in on a piece of me that isn't always shown. I have had some things happen in my life that have made it so I keep certain things guarded. I hate feeling vulnerable (I know most people do), and I tend to guard myself. Because of my past, I really care what others think about me. I shouldn't, but I do. I hate it if others think I'm a bad mom, wife, or person in any way. It really plays on my self esteem, and even though I may sound and act like it's in great shape, it isn't really. So tonight I will start. I will do one major post a month about something new. Something very honest, and I will pray that people won't tear me apart. :p
So here it goes. Tonight's topic...I guess tonight I will talk about my insane fear of the way I die. I have a huge fear that I will die in one of two ways. I will either drown or I will die in a fire. I will say that I do not sit around obsessing about it, and I don't let it get in my way usually. I do enjoy swimming, fishing, boating, camp fires, BBQ, and candles. I can function around all of those things. Somehow though it is in the back of my mind. It will make its way out of the back every now and then and hit me in some way.
I was talking with my husband last night about flying. I took his parents back to the airport to fly home yesterday. His mom was really nervous. I get VERY nervous when I fly. My stomach gets in knots, and I almost feel sick. It is really bad at take off and landing. Sometimes I find myself with white knuckles until we are safe at cruising altitude. It starts all over once we start to descend. My husband was asking why I was so nervous. I can't pin point it to any one thing. I haven't ever really had a bad experience. I have been in a few bumpy flights but nothing major. The only thing I can even remotely pin point it to was the crash of TWA flight 800. Being in a plane crash such as that one would be one of my worst fears come true. I would probably either die in the fires that overtook the plane, or I would die in the water that it landed in.
I had a dream several months ago that shook me hard. It was one of those dreams that was so real you "felt" it. When I was little I always had really vivid dreams. I could remember them really well, and I could feel thing that were going on. It was like I was right there. I could see, smell, touch, and all those sorts of things. It was like I was right there. I never really said a lot about them because I was sure no one would believe how vivid my dreams were. One summer while staying at my Grams' house, I had one. I couldn't shake it, and I had to tell her about it. I told her to please keep an open mind because I was worried that she wouldn't believe me. When I finished she said the same thing happened to her (vivid dreams). Anyway, this was one of those dreams.
It started out normal. I was just in town walking around. I had a conversation with a friend, and I told them about what was going on in life. I had to get to the school for the book fair before it closed (don't ask me why a book fair). I left my friend and went on to the school. Once at the school I got side tracked, and I wound up in a different area. There were a lot of people there, and I'm not quite sure why. A man came in the room, and he was talking about how he didn't fit in. He was talking about how no one gave him the time of day, and did we know how that felt. A he was doing so, I noticed he was messing with something. He went over to the door, and he made sure it was locked and chained up so no one could get out. All of a sudden he had one of those flame throwers (I didn't say they were logical :p), and he started to use it. I could feel the smoke filling my lungs. I could feel the heat on my skin. I could feel the burn. I woke up in a fright, and it took me awhile to calm down. I don't think I slept really the rest of the night.
I could go on and on about my fear of dying by fire or water. That is just one example. I have several like that. Instead I will leave it at the one. It's a horrible fear, and I pray that I never have to live it. I am truly sorry for those who have.
So there you have it. That's my juicy tidbit for this month. You'll have to keep coming back to hear about my life and all that. I'll try and come up with a good one for next month. I tried to do a poll, but it didn't work. So just throw some things in the comments, and I will pick one. If you don't, you are subject to my ramblings.
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