Going High Tech

Probably about 3 or 4 weeks ago I decided that it might be nice to have a PDA. I have had one in the past, but it is really outdated. Shoot, that thing was pretty outdated when I bought it in the first place. I remember using it daily and kept up with it. However, it used AAA batteries instead of the new ones that have a rechargeable one installed. The bulky PDA I could handle. The fact that I lost ALL of my information when the batteries died, I could not. You would have to make sure to sync it before that happened, or you would have to hope you had it written down as a back up. That pretty much sank that PDA after about 10 months of use. I just got tired of it. When I get tired of things, 9 out of 10 times, I just give up on them.

I started looking, and I realized I had no clue what I was looking for. My old PDA was a Palm, so I just started looking there. I found many other brands, but was very hessitant to go with something else. My search took me to our local PX where I realized that NO ONE seems to sale these things anymore. I know it is because everyone who thinks they'd like one get those new high tech phones. I have seen the Blackberry and all those types of phones. I wouldn't mind getting one, and my husband and I even talked about it. After seeing the price of the plans that I'd have to get to use one, I said no thanks. I use a prepaid phone right now, and I don't put very much on it at all. It was cheaper for me to just find a PDA and keep paying for a prepaid phone than to switch to a plan.

Late last week my Palm arrived. I again picked one that I don't think is top of the line. In fact I know it isn't. I didn't want to buy something very expensvie though. I wanted to make the switch and do it without breaking the bank. It is kind of a test run. If it works well, I will probably make the jump when we get back in the states. I have it all set up now and working. I have really enjoyed it.

So I have done it. I am now as high tech as I can be :p I now can carry my whole planner with me in a small little case instead of the big planner I use to have to carry.

Just Another Cryptic Week

So I know some of you also follow me on my Facebook account. I have been very cryptic for a week or so, and I am sorry I haven't spilled the beans. You know I really wanted to, but I hate when you say something then have to take it all back. So here is me spilling the beans.

I was presented with a chance to do something awesome this week. The people who oversee our MOPS group want to send two people to the convention this year. The only stipulation is that one of the two has to take the coordinator's place when she leaves. There was already one woman who said she'd love to go, and she was sure she'd step into that role. I thought that it would be awesome to go as well. I have really been into MOPS since I was pregnant with Samuel. I found a group in Oklahoma, and fell in love with the idea of the group and the group I had itself. Ever since, I have done more and more with the group. I am taking over a leadership role this next year, and I love giving what I have to that group. There is nothing like moms who are where you are in your life getting together to fellowship. It hasn't been 100% approved for me to go yet, but I have everything in place for it to happen (the current coordinator is on vacation and not able to be online every day right now).

Anyway, it took a lot of prayer and planning. I sure didn't have any hand in it. I know that God was taking care of it all for me. A friend of ours totally stepped up and did more than a friend should. She is taking in my kids for the days that I am gone. What a blessing that is. Not only that, I found out my whole trip will be paid for. This will be the first flight I have made without the kids. It will be awesome! I can't wait to build on who I am as a person and not just me being mom. It has been so hard for me to keep my identity, and I have failed miserably. I feel so bad for letting it get that far, but I have. I know I'm not the first, and I know I won't be the last. This is just one chance I have to get to know myself again and to be just me.

Today has been a day of ah ha God moments. I realized that the Bible Study I am in is totally what I need to be hearing right now. I find it funny because it seems like every time I take a new study, it is meeting me where I am in life and speaking to my heart. I have taken studies on worrying, being a submissive wife (I actually liked that one a lot), book of John, and this recent one is on friendship. I think it is funny how something just as small as friendship could speak to you.

We have only done two lessons, and I can't believe what all I have learned about myself. I realized in the first session that I don't have very many close friends. I have surface friends, but when it comes to those friends who know the good, bad and the ugly of Emily...there aren't a lot. I use to think it was because I moved a lot as a child and now as an adult. However, I'm not so sure it is that way. I have a few friends that I think I could tell anything to, go to the with anything I need, etc and I could count on them. Most people I wouldn't. I have a hard time telling things about myself and going on with most of my "friends." I always figure that you know who your close friends are when you move. The close friends make an effort (and I do too) to stay connected even though you are in totally other parts of the world. Those friends that are just around...you loose touch with them real quick.

Anyway, I don't need to go on and on tonight. It is getting late, and I have to get up and get things ready for Samuel's speech therapy appointment tomorrow morning. Just keep praying that everything else falls into place for the MOPS trip. I would love to head to Nashville for a few days this fall. It will be holy jet lag for just the few days I will be there, but what an awesome experience.

Going, Going, Gone!

So this week has been really crazy. Thank goodness it is almost over. For me the week has seemed to go very quickly, but I'm sure for others it hasn't. Isn't it funny how things like this are all about ones perspective? When I was young, it seemed like time would go so slow. It would seem like time was always dragging. My birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. They all seemed to come and go, and then the time would drag on until the next year. Now it seems like it is flying by. I can't believe that they year is just about half over. Where is the time going?!

The first of the week started with both the kids at the CDC for the afternoon. I spent the first afternoon alone not doing a darn thing. The second one I spent at the grocery store. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun, but it was nice doing that alone. I had time to stroll at my own pace and really look through my coupon book for the best deals.

Yesterday we took the bike to school. My husband needed the van for the day to take care of a few things. I told him we had no issues with that at all, and we'd be fine. I loaded the kids up on the bike cart, and we took off down the road. We had a good time on the bike. I do fine pulling them, but the hills can be a little rough. I am out of shape so that doesn't help, but it also isn't easy pulling an extra 60 to 70 lbs of weight. I really need to take the bike more often. It really is a nice change of pace.

This morning was spent making an unexpected trip to Frankfurt. My dear friends here had spent the past month in the states visiting home. I was so sad to see them go. We hang out on a regular basis, and we are always talking on the phone. I am glad they got the visit home, but I'm so excited to have them home. We made the trip just fine. It was a nice test run for how things will go when my parents come to visit in a few weeks.

We have a few things planned for the 4 day weekend and the 4th of July. I don't know if we will stay up to watch the fireworks or not. I don't think they are starting to fire them off until 11pm (yes, it doesn't get dark until then). I don't know if the kids will be up for staying up that late or not. I guess we will just have to play it by ear. However, we will still probably go to the festival they are having. They are having street vendor food :) I can't pass up a chance for that.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and 4th of July!

Thank you and Goodnight

So the last few days have been better. I don't know if it was just getting it all out there that helped, or the many people I know that were praying for me. I'm sure it was more the second, but I think it helped to just spill it all out.

I noticed since Wednesday, that I haven't been as short with everyone. I seem to have a bit more patience. Maybe the kids sensed I needed to have things clam down. Have you ever noticed that about kids? It seems (with mine anyway) when push comes to shove, if I really need them to be good, they are. I remember being home alone (husband was at school) and being really sick. It seems like they understood, and they were really great those days. It seems to have happened again. They really have stayed calm. Samuel did throw a couple of fits, but a few moments alone in his crib did the trick.

So for the rest of my week I spent time trying to stay calm. Sounds silly, but after the first couple of days of the week, I really needed it. I took time to finish my book, keep things cleaned up, and even put my feet up to watch TV when Samuel was napping. To help for the next week, I scheduled a couple of days for Samuel to go to the CDC while Genevieve is in school. I will make sure to get EVERYTHING I need to done before I take them so I can go do whatever I want :) I think I'm going to head over to the PX and just walk around without the kids. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.

I need to spend some time getting our final preparations made for the family's vacation. We are staying at a military resort down south. I need to make sure I get our day trips reserved, and I need to get a rental car set up. We have enough room for just about everyone. We are short spaces for two people. Well really just one, but it wouldn't be comfortable with that seating. So, we will get a small car to go with us. That way we know we have room for everyone's stuff, and space for everyone to sit comfortably. This will be our first vacation since we've been married. We have never spent time like this. It will be a nice change to the normal things we do when taking leave. Usually when in the states, we'd go visit family. Since we don't have the money to visit family, and it isn't a day drive there, we can be free to do other things.

Tonight is filled with updating things online and a movie. Seeing that it is 10 pm now, I better get on them. Funny how things seem to get more busy right when I want to relax.

Harsh Reality

So I don't always like to put it all out there on here. I know that anyone can read it, and I worry what others will think of me. I have a hard time being okay with myself alone. I care too much about what others think of me. On those questionnaires where they ask if you care what others think of you, I usually reply with "too much." I shouldn't care, but I do. It is that struggle to fit in and be apart of a group that drives me. Going back to the first of the year and being honest, this is just one of those times. I am writing this in tears because of what is going on in my life at this time.

As most of you know, I struggle with major headache issues. I had a CT Scan done, and it came back clear. I have was then put on some medicine to help with the headaches and sleeping at night. The medicine the doctor gave me are an antidepressant. I am not depressed nor do I think I need to be on medicine for mood issues. It was explained to me by him, the pharmacists, and my mother (who is a nurse) that this specific medicine is also used to treat pain. I have been on antidepressants before, and it was bad. I was a raging lunatic when I was on them. I am sure that I burned some bridges, and I regret how I treated some of the people in my life while on them. I weaned myself off them at that point in time, and vowed never to take them again. However, with what is going on with my head, I made the choice to give in and take them.

I have been on them for a few weeks now. I am praying that how I feel will pass with time. I pray that it will pass quickly. I hate how I feel, and I hate that right now I am regretting my choice to go back on this type of drug. Because of the way I feel inside, it's effecting my family. I don't think they know it or the reasons right now. I know my husband has noticed the change.

I have found that I have become short with people. I cannot handle even small things that come my way. I find when the kids start to yell or get crazy, it sends me over the top. I can't handle the punches that come my way with the ease I use to. I just can't take things and run with them. I find that even small things make me upset, and I get really mad about them. I fear that I yell at the kids too much. I just can't even see how it comes to it. It is like I go from 1 to 100 in no time at all. A side effect? I don't know. I thought that these types of medicine were suppose to help with your mood.

Because of the way things have gone, I feel totally inadequate to care for my kids. I feel that my kids will not understand if I do get upset. It is not their fault that I am having mood issues. It is not their fault I just can't handle the same things I could before I started. I feel that I have failed because I'm on these types of medicines again. I know I didn't go on them for anything but pain, but it still bothers me. I feel I have let not only myself down, but my family too.

I am guessing as this medicine gets into my system more, things will calm down. I will give them another month to get use to them. If it still continues, I will have to find something else to help me out. I refuse to be like this for a long time. My friends and family do not deserve to have me this way. Please pray that life gets better for all of us.

I am at a very vulnerable place in my life right now. I don't even know why I'm being so honest on the internet of all places. What a place for people to pick me apart and judge how bad of a person and mom I am. I just hope that in my being honest it explains some things for those that are around me or talk to me a lot. I also hope that someone else out there knows what I'm talking about. I just crave to know that I'm not alone. I need to know that I'm not a bad person or mother. I am going to have to really work hard to prove these things to myself.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening to my issues.

Too Busy for...

I hope this newest update finds everyone doing just fine. We have been going crazy and more crazy. :p Things have been very busy around our home, and I don't look for it to get better any time soon.

Genevieve has been in her part day preschool class for about 3 or 4 weeks now. She loves it! They do a theme a week, and they do so much to talk about it. She has now done the desert, caterpillars and butterflies, ants, and ladybugs. This week starts a new lesson on bumble bees. She really does have a great time, and she loves her teacher. We will see her teacher around some weekends. When Genevieve realizes who it is, she starts talking all over again about school and when she gets to go back.

Putting Genevieve in her school every day was suppose to give me some free time. It was suppose to make me feel like I can get stuff done. When she started I think 50 things all of a sudden came into play. It seems like I'm more busy now than before. However, I am glad that she is going because she loves it. I guess the few hours she goes every day just isn't enough :)

I have started reading Angels & Demons recently. I have been looking for it at the library for months now. I thought about buying when I was home visiting, but I just never did. I just have a hard time buying books for myself. Nine out of ten times I don't ever read my books more than once. Now that we are close to a library, I have started just doing that.

I love this library. They have a HUGE selection of books. There is a children's wing that has books for the little kids. I have taken the kids in and read to Genevieve while Samuel played in the stroller. They also have a big DVD selection. All their DVDs are donated, so they don't always have the best movies, but we have found some really good ones too. It saves a lot of money, and we can keep them a week.

Anyway, I had been looking at the library here for months for the book. It has always been checked out. I went in a couple of weeks ago looking for the book again, and I came up empty handed again. The Libraian asked what I was looking for. We had a short conversation about how it has been popular recently because of the movie coming out. She looked it up on the computer, and then put me on the wait list. I was worried it would take forever to get the book because I was 14th in line. She did tell me that they had a lot of copies of the book and not to get discouraged. Sure enough, about a week after I was put on the list, the book was sitting on the shelf waiting for me.

I haven't finished it yet, but I have enjoyed it so far. I liked the Da Vinci Code a lot. It was a good read. This one is the same way. I don't think it is really connected to the other book at all. It just uses the same main guy. It's like those Tom Clancy books. Jack Ryan I think is the main guy in those books. As it was explained to me (since I have only seen a couple of the movies) Jack is in a series, but they books aren't related to each other. One book doesn't take place before or after the other. I look forward to finishing the book to find out how this one ends. I am hoping it doesn't disappoint me. I'm sure it won't. Now I just have to carve out some time to get it finished.

Long Weekend

This past weekend was a long one. It was long in many different ways. My husband had Monday and Tuesday off, so it was a long one that way. Second, we had a lot going on. Most of the time I hate weekends like that. I like to relax with my husband at home on the weekends. I like doing things at my own pace. I don't want to do something because I have to. It just isn't fun that way.

Saturday night there was the Signal Ball here on post. My husband had to go due to being an usher. I believe I told you how I came about going in my last post. So I won't go into that again. So in the middle of the night Friday into Saturday, I get sick. I haven't been that sick since I was pregnant with Genevieve. I finally got my stomach calmed down, and it was time to wake up. I hate when that happens. I always seem to be in the deepest part of my sleep right before I am suppose to get up or need to get up. I spent the morning on the sofa trying to recoup from the night before. It took just about all morning, but I finally started to perk back up, and I kept some food down.

The ball was nice. It was like every other ball I have been to. There is the awkward receiving lines. That time where you have to shake the hands of all the people who are important to your spouses job, and get asked how you are doing. They make small talk in a place where you really only have time for one word answers. It isn't like you can carry on a conversation or anything. After that you make your way to your seats. They do the color guard, and they sing the National Anthem (both American and German). Usually then the dinner follows, but our dinner wasn't ready Saturday night. Instead they moved right to the speaker for the evening. To our surprise it was the Commanding General of USAEUR. I teased that we saw everyone there that is on the AFN commercials.

Anyway, the food was pretty good. All the balls we have been to the food hasn't been great. I take that back. The Christmas Social here it was good. Here was pretty good too. There is a certain way they do salads here. They had that, and I love that salad. It is a lot of veggies and a very light dressing. I can't say enough good things about it. They had a really good fruit salad for dessert and cake. We left before the dancing because well...I don't dance. It started with the Electric Slide, into the Cha cha song, and when the Macareena (sp) started, it was time to go.

The long weekend finished off with an unproductive trip to Mannheim (the store we wanted to go to was closed), and some time as a family. That is one thing I have been very thankful for. I miss my family and friends. I miss being close to people and seeing some on a normal basis. I miss being within a days drive of family. However, I am happy to trade it to have our family back together. When we were in recruiting, we didn't get much time as a family. He was home late, and not a lot of time off. Here we have time together to do things and hang out. It has been a great change. I know it won't last forever, so I am living it up while I can.