So I don't always like to put it all out there on here. I know that anyone can read it, and I worry what others will think of me. I have a hard time being okay with myself alone. I care too much about what others think of me. On those questionnaires where they ask if you care what others think of you, I usually reply with "too much." I shouldn't care, but I do. It is that struggle to fit in and be apart of a group that drives me. Going back to the first of the year and being honest, this is just one of those times. I am writing this in tears because of what is going on in my life at this time.
As most of you know, I struggle with major headache issues. I had a CT Scan done, and it came back clear. I have was then put on some medicine to help with the headaches and sleeping at night. The medicine the doctor gave me are an antidepressant. I am not depressed nor do I think I need to be on medicine for mood issues. It was explained to me by him, the pharmacists, and my mother (who is a nurse) that this specific medicine is also used to treat pain. I have been on antidepressants before, and it was bad. I was a raging lunatic when I was on them. I am sure that I burned some bridges, and I regret how I treated some of the people in my life while on them. I weaned myself off them at that point in time, and vowed never to take them again. However, with what is going on with my head, I made the choice to give in and take them.
I have been on them for a few weeks now. I am praying that how I feel will pass with time. I pray that it will pass quickly. I hate how I feel, and I hate that right now I am regretting my choice to go back on this type of drug. Because of the way I feel inside, it's effecting my family. I don't think they know it or the reasons right now. I know my husband has noticed the change.
I have found that I have become short with people. I cannot handle even small things that come my way. I find when the kids start to yell or get crazy, it sends me over the top. I can't handle the punches that come my way with the ease I use to. I just can't take things and run with them. I find that even small things make me upset, and I get really mad about them. I fear that I yell at the kids too much. I just can't even see how it comes to it. It is like I go from 1 to 100 in no time at all. A side effect? I don't know. I thought that these types of medicine were suppose to help with your mood.
Because of the way things have gone, I feel totally inadequate to care for my kids. I feel that my kids will not understand if I do get upset. It is not their fault that I am having mood issues. It is not their fault I just can't handle the same things I could before I started. I feel that I have failed because I'm on these types of medicines again. I know I didn't go on them for anything but pain, but it still bothers me. I feel I have let not only myself down, but my family too.
I am guessing as this medicine gets into my system more, things will calm down. I will give them another month to get use to them. If it still continues, I will have to find something else to help me out. I refuse to be like this for a long time. My friends and family do not deserve to have me this way. Please pray that life gets better for all of us.
I am at a very vulnerable place in my life right now. I don't even know why I'm being so honest on the internet of all places. What a place for people to pick me apart and judge how bad of a person and mom I am. I just hope that in my being honest it explains some things for those that are around me or talk to me a lot. I also hope that someone else out there knows what I'm talking about. I just crave to know that I'm not alone. I need to know that I'm not a bad person or mother. I am going to have to really work hard to prove these things to myself.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening to my issues.
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